Fuck the rules

That wall you build around you is blocking your sunlight
Those little locks around your voice rations your breathing
You are your own prisoner
And, you are choking to death

So, fuck those rules
Don't waste 5 minutes on fake small talk if all you need is a favour
Don't ask yourself whose turn is it to split the bill
There is no optimal time to visit
Or the right words to life's usecases
Hack the auto pilot mode in your head
Wake up!

Take a sledge hammer to your wall
Stop the suicide of your authentic self
Oh, don't bother searching for keys
Breakaway
Breathe... Run! Fly!!

-Sajithra

The journey

ENLIGHTENMENT
1. There is compassion in destruction
The flyaway ashes reveal an ancient fire
The mirror that shows my ugly parts
Becomes my guardian angel.

2. Not long ago, staying high on bliss was home
I found darkness a trace of sunlight, just painted black
Now, crystalized scales fall off my eyes
I wake up and panic in the abyss
Should the choices remain the same?
Well, what's your poison?, the voice asks
A pleasing lie
Or an ugly truth
I ask for neither
The truth was always there
And, the lie was my set of blinkers
Break those horse tacks
But give me a new set of eyes

3. I could go back to sleep
Color nightmares into my personal rainbow.
Make demons my dream-catchers
And, when a skeleton lurks in the darkness
Shout in jest 'Happy Halloween to you'.

4. I could remain wide awake
Burn hot in the embers of truth
Hedge my bets
Sharpen the spears
Wage my battles from an unstable, bleeding, dark crevice.

Or
5. I could watch the battle but know it's futile
Forgive myself and strip off the straitjacket
Lift myself up from the crevice to the Summit of the mountain
Oh, I will break my spear into the staff of Moses
Part these Oceans into two
And reach the promised land

6. What is enlightenment?
Recognizing the illusion of it all
To see a rose, not the thousand thorns
Seeing the psychedelic notion of reality that changes like a chameleon on steroids
Seeing all that from a distance, with a new set of eyes
Finally, offering my totem pole as homage to this never ending journey
For the journey is within
And, so is the promised land

-Sajithra

Detaching

I found a mall under construction. Planning to spend time to access my hidden parts and work on my art. It's about purging. Having the courage to peel off the defenses. It's about tearing off the walls and the priming of social constructs. It's messy. I would either come out with a new perspective or make a choice to go back to the illusion. Either ways, a journey worth the pain.

I might not be updating my blog at least for a week..

Shallow

I would like to remember them like this. The inciting incident of the fairy tale - the previous night they had met at the most unlikely of places, he was impressed from the get go and she gives him a verse about him but was unsure and tells her bestie that he was just a drunk, she goes to watch his gig the next day but not really for him, and he manages to get her to sing with him because he knew what she was capable of. That's when she truly saw him. It all starts from here.

[Bradley Cooper]
Tell me something, girl
Are you happy in this modern world?
Or do you need more?
Is there something else you’re searching for?

I’m falling
In all the good times, I find myself longing
For change
And in the bad times, I fear myself

[Lady Gaga]
Tell me something, boy
Aren’t you tired trying to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain’t it hard keeping it so hardcore?

I’m falling
In all the good times, I find myself longing
For change
And in the bad times, I fear myself

I’m off the deep end
Watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface
Where they can’t hurt us
We’re far from the shallow now

[Both]
In the sha-ha-sha-hallow
In sha-la-sha-la-shallow
In the sha-ha-sha-hallow
We’re far from the shallow now

[Lady Gaga]
Oh, ha-ah-ah-ah
Haaa-ah-ah-ah, haaawaah, ha-ah-ah-aaah

I’m off the deep end
Watch as I dive in
I’ll never meet the ground
Crash through the surface
Where they can’t hurt us
We’re far from the shallow now

[Both]
In the sha-ha-sha-hallow
In sha-la-sha-la-shallow
In the sha-ha-sha-hallow
We’re far from the shallow now

Lady Gaga - I'll never love again ( A star is born)

Beautiful!

Wish I could, I could've said goodbye
I would've said what I wanted to
Maybe even cried for you
If I knew it would be the last time
I would've broke my heart in two
Tryin' to save a part of you
Don't wanna feel another touch
Don't wanna start another fire
Don't wanna know another kiss
No other name falling off my lips
Don't wanna give my heart away
To another stranger
Or let another day begin
Won't even let the sunlight in
No, I'll never love again
I'll never love again, oh, oh, oh, oh
When we first met
I never thought that I would fall
I never thought that I'd find myself
Lying in your arms
And I want to pretend that it's not true
Oh baby, that you're gone
'Cause my world keeps turning, and turning, and turning
And I'm not moving on
Don't wanna feel another touch
Don't wanna start another fire
Don't wanna know another kiss
No other name falling off my lips
Don't wanna give my heart away
To another stranger
Or let another day begin
Won't even let the sunlight in
No, I'll never love
I don't wanna know this feeling
Unless it's you and me
I don't wanna waste a moment, ooh
And I don't wanna give somebody else the better part of me
I would rather wait for you, ooh
Don't wanna feel another touch
Don't wanna start another fire
Don't wanna know another kiss
Baby, I'll just stay on your lips
Don't wanna give my heart away
To another stranger
Don't let another day begin
Won't let the sunlight in
Oh, I'll never love again
Never love again
Never love again
Oh, I'll never love again

New Plans!

I had a long phone call with Sugi like the good old days. If everything works out well, after Sugi does her usual Dec stay at my home, I will plan a week in Singapore with her. Fingers crossed! Life is beautiful :)

Friendships

Sugi has been quite busy with her new work and classes. She reached out today. When she did, I wasn't really surprised. Benj Anna and I had a conversation about telepathy earlier this week. Sugi and I definitely have that. Pauline and I had it too. Sensing energies, knowing when to talk, using similar words, and at times replying when the other person had only thought about that question becomes natural and so does synchronicity. It gets stronger with time and acknowledgement. That doesn't work with Benj Anna though and Sanju is not in my frequency either. You can only see the ones in resonance. It's a gift to find people with a connection that is much stronger than the physical reality. That's how life's mission becomes clearer because we are not meant to do this alone. Everyone who has walked the path of the Universe with impact had at least one person in their life with that connection. Cherish it when you find one.

Appreciation day - 6

Back home with the babies :)

Appreciation day - 5

4:39

It's raining. I need to get the kids! I wasn't able to get an Ola cab.

Run through the rain and find an auto? That should be fun. Damn. I need to find an ATM for cash. Or hope that Ola has the online option autos avaiaavai.

Appreciation day - 4

'A star is born' is intense. Not the kind of movie one watches while thinking about a best mate's suicide. However, the movie spoke to me. I needed that.

Bought a cool Carpe Diem T-Shirt. Pardon the chipped nail polish and the going for a morning jog face. That was the idea of having an off day. I don't care.

Appreciation day - 3

Should I have stayed back in my room with a book?

Going to watch 'A star is born'. That should engage my mind.

Appreciation day - 2

After aimlessly wandering with this song

 on loop blaring on my head phones, stopped for brunch at Cafe Noir

Smoked Salmon Bruschetta and mocktail.

Appreciation day 9:30 AM

Today, I am planning to appreciate the good things in life.

I have the entire day. So, planning to do things that I enjoy. It's appreciation day. 

I am at Starbucks. I don't feel like having coffee but this is what I like. Almond Biscotti and a Lemon loaf cake. I will finish this and decide what to do next. 

Oct 17th

Pauline, Happy birthday! I will see you soon enough!!

 Beautiful Beautiful death!!!

LYRICS

Carry on my wayward son
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion
I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high
Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreamin', I can hear them say

Carry on my wayward son
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say

Carry on my wayward son
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son
For there'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Oct 16th

2 hours to go!

I love this rendition of 'Jealous' Josh sings this for his best friend who passed away when they were young.

I feel that gratitude is the right emotion for my friendship with Pauline. Her presence made me who I am today. I learned unconditional love and that phase helped me make more meaningful relationships. She was all heart. That's how I want tomorrow to be. Laughter and appreciation.

Labrinth!

Woah. This one is intense. Goosebumps!

"Jealous"

I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain

I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind

'Cause I wished you the best of all this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive

But I always thought you'd come back
Tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say
I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights

I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love

'Cause I wished you the best of all this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive

But I always thought you'd come back
Tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say
I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day
'Cause all I do is cry behind this smile

I wished you the best of all this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive

But I always thought you'd come back
Tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say
I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

It's hard for me to say
I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

Dandiya

The kids had a Dandiya event at school. That was fun!

Playlist!

Love these songs! I made a playlist.

Have a little faith!

When people come together and agree on something that is not self-serving, expect miracles. The paths can differ but the source remains the same.

When I was on a coffee break, this update made me smile. The kid was in the ICU on a ventilator. She got admitted for H1N1 influenza (swine flu) yesterday. 4 people died in Bangalore within 44 days because of this outbreak. More concerning with children. I do believe that when a group of people pray without selfishness, there is a manifestation of healing - but only if that's meant to happen. It's unfortunate when some preachers make it a parlor trick. If they could turn it on at will, they should stay in hospitals.

It doesn't need to be dogmatic or religious. There is a higher power above us, a reality beyond our perceptions. When we focus on that, we will also remember who we are.

Eaglets learning to fly!

If you haven't seen eaglets learning to fly, go here to explore. There are very few things that are more satisfying. I should remember to take a video tomorrow.

The old ones must have moved in during Aug, accounting the time to hatch and fly. I started spotting them everyday only around Sep though it was quite often for a couplr of months and now some new families are nesting too. Interesting!

I found this story online but could not find the actual source. How inspiring!

Don't overthink. Jump. Fly away! The sky is the limit.

The nest of young eagles hung on every word as the Master Eagle described his exploits. This was an important day for the eaglets. They were preparing for their first solo flight from the nest. It was the confidence builder many of them needed to fulfill their destiny.
"How far can I travel?" asked one of the eaglets.
"How far can you see?" responded the Master Eagle.
"How high can I fly?" quizzed the young eaglet.
"How far can you stretch your wings?" asked the old eagle.
"How long can I fly?" the eaglet persisted.
"How far is the horizon?" the mentor rebounded.
"How much should I dream?" asked the eaglet.
"How much can you dream?" smiled the older, wiser eagle.
"How much can I achieve?" the young eagle continued.
"How much can you believe?" the old eagle challenged.
Frustrated by the banter, the young eagle demanded, "Why don't you answer my questions?"
"I did."
"Yes. But you answered them with questions."
"I answered them the best I could."
"But you're the Master Eagle. You're supposed to know everything. If you can't answer these questions, who can?"
"You." The old wise eagle reassured.
"Me? How?" the young eagle was confused.
"No one can tell you how high to fly or how much to dream. It's different for each eagle. Only God and you know how far you'll go. No one on this earth knows your potential or what's in your heart. You alone will answer that. The only thing that limits you is the edge of your imagination."
The young eagle puzzled by this asked, "What should I do?"

"Look to the horizon, spread your wings, and fly."

There is a Sufi teaching similar to this.

A man visited a great mystic to find out how to let go of his chains of attachment and his prejudices.

Instead of answering him directly, the mystic jumped to his feet and bolted to a nearby pillar, flung his arms around it, grasping the marble surface as he screamed, "Save me from this pillar! Save me from this pillar!"

The man who had asked the question could not believe what he saw. He thought the mystic was mad. The shouting soon brought a crowd of people. "Why are you doing that?" the man asked. "I came to you to ask a spiritual question because I thought you were wise, but obviously you're crazy. You are holding the pillar, the pillar is not holding you. You can simply let go."

The mystic let go of the pillar and said to the man, "If you can understand that, you have your answer. Your chains of attachment are not holding you, you are holding them. You can simply let go." 

India - Pakistan

Pakistan warns of 10 surgical strikes against India *

*Conditions apply

That reminds me of Pakistani singer Atif Aslam. The man is gifted! This is from the Pakistani film Bol. Only Politicians benefit from this conflict between India and Pakistan.

May Love win over hate!

This song means 'Love is bound to happen and it happened' Hope that's true for Pakistan-India soon enough!

Monday!

Three different songs to kick start my day today

1) Tamil - Mannipaaya. Timeless!

2) Bob Marley!

3) Tamil - For Vijay and Samantha's chemistry in a AR Rahman song!

Stand apart!

Today was a Communion Sunday but I didn't partake. During the sermon, the Pastor started talking about why the Church and Church leaders have higher priority than the needy when it comes to Charity. He weaved a web of convoluted arguments supposedly based on the Bible. It's concerning when spiritual leaders use their position of power to mislead people. He was pitching for a Church building. But, anyone who uses fear and guilt to convince people cannot be trusted. The misguided loyalty that makes peopls think that talking against the priests is equivalent to talking against God let them have their way.

He started with a priority order for charity 1) Church 2) Priests 3) Needy

1) He used the example of how Jesus allowed a woman to pour perfume on his head though it could have been used for the needy. He coveniently missed the part that she was preparing him for his burial because he won't be with them longer.

2) He explained how Ananias sold his property and placed it at the feet of the Apostles but died because he kept aside a portion for himself. That was again to prove how important it is to give to the Church with reference for Apostles. He either didn't know the context or was concealing it to pitch his theory. I don't know which one is worse.

The first century Christians sold their possessions so that they could take care of the needy. And, Ananias was shocked when he was caught for his hypocrisy. Using a partial reading to push the needy down in the priority order and seeing how people were smiling through it got on my nerves.

I gamed the options. Getting up from my seat to refute would cause a scene and embarrass him too. The best option was sending my argument on the WhatsApp group. Better visibility and that would also remind him that he has to be accountable. His power doesn't make him invincible. 'Someone has to' I thought.

This is what I shared. Forgive the typos and errors. I included a couple of verses to disprove his hypothesis. Hopefully, it's not rude. No one commented. That's a good sign since it's far easier to take the side of the Pastor.

If I were to compare today's incident with one of my poems, didn't want the crowd to be sheep ;)

The Crowd

There is an invisible spark in every crowd
Powerful enough to create a new life
It takes the shape of an animal
And, it keeps the mortals caged inside

Sometimes, it is a Lion
The generous spirit that respects even its kill
enough to carefully cover the leftovers with twigs
An offering, a gift,
left behind for the hungry beasts

Sometimes, it is a sheep
They bleat about the generous master
And, his gift - new shearing scissors

Sometimes, it is a squirrel
Well, all it does is squirreling
No one knows what they want
And, they don't care to find out
where they want to go

Sometimes it can be a hyena
And, everyone becomes no one
No one lynched him
No one raped the girl
No one bullied him to suicide

Let's teach our children
The secret of the crowd
That will help them to live without masks
Masters of their fate and slaves to none

Children, if you are in a crowd
Be the ones who add more light
Speak out even when it seems to matter little
Stand up and raise your voice
Don't whistle at her, this is not what we do
Don't push him down, this is not us
Words spoken in an elementary school
could change the story of everyone
So, be happy on your own
But, if needed in a crowd
Be ready to be its soul

-Sajithra

The Sunday song

Since it's Sunday, wanted a devotional song before going to church. And, this one made the cut. Some of the verses are directly from the Quran. Divine music by AR Rahman! This song is sung in the resting place of a Sufi saint known as 'Hazrat Nizamuddin'

Being weird...

:) This made me chuckle.

We have a bunch of young people living next door. They wanted to bake cookies today and we let them use our oven. They brought the cookie patties to bake and then gave my kids a few cookies to taste as well.

When I was about to leave to give them the last batch, Sanju stopped me.

'Saji, tell them that the babies liked the chocolate cookies and ask them for the recipe'

That I did and when I came back, I got to know the full story.

'That's a nice thing to do. You should always ask for the recipe. You wouldn't know, molu (That's a Malayalam term for daughter. Cultural). That's why I told you'

I couldn't stop laughing because I thought that I had improved over the years in that aspect, a tad too much for my liking. Clearly, it wasn't enough. Sanju was being the ultimate Malayalee, well mannered and appreciative with acquiantances. I am terrible with small talk even after my 'improvement'. It took me quite a long time to get sarcasm and even now there are times I miss it. I could be rustic if I have to clear assumptions. Not very lady like. That's self-serving. I understand that too.

 I am not a rude person but I am more comfortable discussing topics of interest. I tend to be quite open about my personal stories too making people mistake me for an extrovert. They would later understand when I don't pick up their calls or message back but then again I would be friendly with them in group conversations. Logically, that must make me feel guilty because I consider myself empathetic but it doesn't. The contradictions!  I am too generous with compliments that jump out to me like someone dressing well or losing weight. I have done that to strangers too. But, not the kind of things that I don't notice. Not curious enough. I understood what Sanju did. He wanted them to feel good about giving the kids some cookies. I 'know'  and I studied psychology with interest but it doesn't show up on personal conversations. If I need a favour, I know that the right thing to do is asking about their well being and then some more chit chat before diving into it but it would be torturous for me if I do that. It's hard enough if I need to ask anyone for a favour. So, I would go 'Hi, I called because I need a favour'. My head would hurt till I rip the band-aid off. If I can't match or give more, it frustrates me to no end. I don't want to change either. I am happy that the kids have both influences. It's nice to care enough to make the other person comfortable and feel appreciated while making a conversation. That's my reason too. I respect enough not to use words that I don't mean. The most I could do is use the best version of the truths available. Even that makes me feel like an imposter at times. The drawback I see with the other approach is, with all the etiquettes, it's easy to take the inner circle for granted. But, they would win over the world while my kind would confuse the outer circle. My saving grace is since there is no energy leak, there is no question of taking anyone for granted. Choices!

Saturdays

The house is a mess. There is an ocean of toys. On the floor, the table, the sofa - everywhere! I need to do a pre-clean up before the maid comes in. And, then there is this after the twins are tired of playing with each other that makes everything worth it! Laughter :) :)

Eagle

A few eagle families are making my apartment complex their home. I saw one carrying a stick for its nest this week. I wish I had taken a pic. I see one everyday.  If I don't, my mother seems to get a fwd of an eagle that she sends me, and one day a friend shared a video without knowing the plot - it was about  a team called the eagles with a coach who used 'gratitude even for miseries' the secret to success. Sugi asked me if I shifted since I have been seeing one everyday. There weren't any when she visited in December . Now that the eagles are nesting, I don't see just one. I see a convocation of eagles.

This is a video from 9th Oct. I was back from my yoga class and focused my camera, hoping that an eagle wouldcome towards my direction. It took mere seconds. Eagles are majestic and powerful. This makes me reconsider my desire for vulnerability. Why choose it when you can be powerful. We are a part of the Universe and we share its power.

Death

Death is a drug. Ask anyone who tasted it but were spit back to the land of the living. The only reason not to die is reverence for the plans of the Universe, the possibility that the presence can be beneficial for the family and others. I have never understood why people fear death. It's inevitable and sometimes the absence helps people more if the survival aspect of the family is taken care of.

Ranting...

I have been strong for too long. I would like to let go, be vulnerable, be delicate. The armour is getting heavier. Is it realistic to expect myself to be happy always. I want to unlearn, rest, be okay with the human experience. Then again, what is real? As per Kabbalah, we are like a closed box with 5 senses and even if something from the spiritual plane touches us, the senses act as a transducer and the programming within translates it for us as our reality. We see what we want to see and what we can. That's all there is. It's all an illusion and it's far more meaningful than we give it credit for. It's both. The duality of extremes. The moment we accept both opposite ideas as the truth is the gateway to accessing multiple realities. Schrödinger's cat theory is the closest one that explains it.

From Wikipedia:
The
//A cat is placed in a room that is separated from the outside world.

A Geiger counter which counts the amount of radioactive decay and a little bit of a radioactiveelement are in the room.

Within one hour, one of the atoms of the radioactivematerial might decay (or break down because the material is not stable), or it may not.

If the material breaks down, it will release an atomic particle, which will hit the geiger counter, which will release poison gas, which will kill the cat.

The question now is: at the end of the hour, is the cat alive or dead? Schrödinger says that according to the Copenhagen Interpretation, as long as the door is closed, the cat is dead and alive. There is no way to know until the door is opened. But by opening the door, the person is interfering with the experiment. The person and the experiment have to be described with reference to each other.

By looking at the experiment the person has influenced the experiment.//

My song today!

That's how love should be. This song makes me smile though it's not really a happy song.

Found the translation on   www.ajzpage.wordpress.com

Hush, not one more word,
Come over and sleep on my lap,
I will take care of you like lid guards the eye
waiting for you to dissolve into it as a Dream.

Like the feathers of a Peacock, my fingers will caress you.
Conversations that happen will be with me forever.

As I collect  my tears from getting wasted and it struggles to stay within my Eye lids,
My Eye became a ocean.

Even when I forget, not a day goes by without remembering you.
Even if I take leave of you, my love for you was never a lie.

In the dawns that did not break
In the dusks that never ended,
Those drops of sweat  refused to dry.
That blanket that didn't leave us

The clock ticks and we learn that it's a torture
The way it reminds 
 to change our clothes.

Forgetting you is impossible
For my heart, thoughts of you will follow me, into my after life.

You are my beginning. And the end too.
You are my euphoria. You are the World to me.

Even if you have gone too far,
Even if it is as far as the clouds above,
You are hidden at the corner of my eye.
An eternity before you had merged into my soul.

With your Lips, you wrote letters 

Before I could write a reply to you,
You dissolved into a dream.

Hold on to your stubbornness,
So that your anger will subside.
As we lose ourselves and our sense of serenity,
What is left is only the passionate rain.

Hush, not one more word,
Come over and sleep on my lap,
I will take care of you like lid guards the eye
waiting for you to dissolve into it as a Dream

Like the feathers of a Peacock, my fingers will caress you.
Conversations that happen will be with me forever.

Hush, not one more word,
Come over and sleep on my lap