We both were new to that School and met after we signed up for an inter school competition. We were in the same class. I ended up coming first in quite a few. The first sentence she spoke to me was 'I think, I envy you' with an expression of concern. I remember telling her that envy is okay as she wasn't acting on it. She had an impeccable command over English. I admired her. We became inseparable after that day.
We worked together and would come back with enough trophies every time. If she were not a girl, I am certain that I would have been attracted to her. Our relationship was perfect. We both used to talk a lot about how our bond was stronger than the crushes or boy friends. We promised to be each other's first priority. One day, she told me that we should find a way to live close to each other when we have our own families, get her kid married to mine or lock them in a room to force them to have a kid just so that we can be family too. That's the kind of crazy conversations we used to have. And, we even passed poems of declaration of love to each other while writing our exams. When our teacher nominated our names for the leader election, she just had to turn back to gesture to make everyone vote for me. When she said that she was sad that her hair wouldn't grow beyond her shoulders, I went and cut my hip long hair. I didn't want anything she couldn't have too. I learned how to love another person unconditionally.
We sat on a two person bench in class, sometimes holding hands. We used to walk around the school holding hands after lunch. The table we used would still have the inscription 'Royal Twins'.
A few weeks before her suicide, she came to school with a cut on her wrist. It wasn't deep. She cut herself but mostly in jest and would stop only if I threaten that I would too and one day I did. I still have that scar. But, the wrist was concerning. I made her swear that she wouldn't do it anymore.
We worked together and would come back with enough trophies every time. If she were not a girl, I am certain that I would have been attracted to her. Our relationship was perfect. We both used to talk a lot about how our bond was stronger than the crushes or boy friends. We promised to be each other's first priority. One day, she told me that we should find a way to live close to each other when we have our own families, get her kid married to mine or lock them in a room to force them to have a kid just so that we can be family too. That's the kind of crazy conversations we used to have. And, we even passed poems of declaration of love to each other while writing our exams. When our teacher nominated our names for the leader election, she just had to turn back to gesture to make everyone vote for me. When she said that she was sad that her hair wouldn't grow beyond her shoulders, I went and cut my hip long hair. I didn't want anything she couldn't have too. I learned how to love another person unconditionally.
We sat on a two person bench in class, sometimes holding hands. We used to walk around the school holding hands after lunch. The table we used would still have the inscription 'Royal Twins'.
A few weeks before her suicide, she came to school with a cut on her wrist. It wasn't deep. She cut herself but mostly in jest and would stop only if I threaten that I would too and one day I did. I still have that scar. But, the wrist was concerning. I made her swear that she wouldn't do it anymore.
A few months before her suicide, Pauline and I came across a beautiful, dead beetle during a stroll. We both loved it and I let her keep it. That sounds very Ricky Fitts like (American Beauty) but that's who we were. The week of her suicide, she gifted it back. She had taken a ring box, used wax to spell ILU, decorated it and then lined the box to place the beetle. I was thrilled when she gave me that gift. She said that she had made some kind of pact with God. If we ended up in the same college, she would gift two dolls to Velankanni Matha (Mother Mary) Church.
I remember the look of horror in Sanju's face when I showed him that. What can I say? There was a time I had a weird twin. And, it was the best thing in the world!
The week before her suicide, she looked happy. Her boyfriend and she were in a good place. I liked him. He had started college and he absolutely adored her. When I met him, he said that he was jealous of me because he could tell that she loved me more. There was a weird song popular around that time. The man would give poison to his girlfriend and would commit suicide too. Pauline was fascinated with that.
She committed suicide on a Saturday. I was not in a good mood that week. And, on thursday, I was very stressed. No logical reason. I was struggling with some weird thoughts that Pauline would commit suicide. I told the hostel warden that I was not well and took a bus home. The next day I got a landline call from Pauline. She said that she wanted to see me. She sounded chirpy. I promised her that I would meet her the next day. I would later come to know that she drank poison after making that call and went to bed. When I went to school, I didn't find her. No cute notes on the question paper after turning in the papers, waiting for others to finish up. A teacher waited for the exam to get over, took me aside and told me that Pauline was no more. I told everyone that there must have been a mistake. She was okay. I spoke with her and she was okay.
When I reached the hostel though I understood. I fell down and screamed. I cried like a child. I felt numb. My father came to get me. It was 2 months before the public exams. I couldn't sleep that night. I had vivid dreams. She was alive. And, we were joking around. I would wake up and sense what was happening every time. My uncle gave me a bible to read. I needed that distraction. I might have died without that. He made me read about the meaning of the death of Jesus. I asked my relatives to give me meat to eat. I was into esoteric research and had become a vegetarian to practice meditation and trance. My parents were once warned by the Principal's wife about the kind of supposedly dangerous books I was reading in the hostel but my parents asked them not to bother me. My intuition was proving burdensome. I decided to leave it all. I wanted to change. And, I threw away all other traces related to Pauline. Everything but the beetle. I didn't go back to school for the next two months. The Principal understood and let me go only to write my exams. I prayed hard to stop the dreams and to stop those memories. I decided that the right emotion for that moment was gratitude. And, for a very long time, I followed that path. My hair grew back to its natural length by the time I started college.
When I reached the hostel though I understood. I fell down and screamed. I cried like a child. I felt numb. My father came to get me. It was 2 months before the public exams. I couldn't sleep that night. I had vivid dreams. She was alive. And, we were joking around. I would wake up and sense what was happening every time. My uncle gave me a bible to read. I needed that distraction. I might have died without that. He made me read about the meaning of the death of Jesus. I asked my relatives to give me meat to eat. I was into esoteric research and had become a vegetarian to practice meditation and trance. My parents were once warned by the Principal's wife about the kind of supposedly dangerous books I was reading in the hostel but my parents asked them not to bother me. My intuition was proving burdensome. I decided to leave it all. I wanted to change. And, I threw away all other traces related to Pauline. Everything but the beetle. I didn't go back to school for the next two months. The Principal understood and let me go only to write my exams. I prayed hard to stop the dreams and to stop those memories. I decided that the right emotion for that moment was gratitude. And, for a very long time, I followed that path. My hair grew back to its natural length by the time I started college.
When I went to my home town in August, I couldn't find the beetle. The previous time (forgot the month but it was a day before we reached for holidays), my mother got bitten by a snake in my room and my relatives had rearranged everything. She got someone to search every book and cranny but couldn't find it. That was the one thing I kept safe all these years. I am not a hoarder. After I leave a place, I pack light. Whenever I shifted hostels, most of my clothes and books were given away. I don't keep mementos. I believe that if something is worthwhile, I would remember it. If not, it's better to be left behind in the past. My parents kept some of my trophies. I don't even have my childhood journal of poems. This dead beetle was different. And, I had lost it.
This weekend, I got a message from a classmate that he would give me a treasure related to Pauline. He had mailed me in 2008 about something related to Pauline he had kept safe to give me but disappeared right after I responded. I tried again over the years but could never get in touch. His FB id was not active either. I took a chance and sent another mail to the same id and also asked another class mate to see if he could find him. He reached out on whatsapp. May be the time is right to finally get this. I was on Cloud nine yesterday. That makes me curious about this shift in emotions today.
I am grateful about the constant state of bliss that I seem to have mastered. Today is not that day though. My morning was rough. I got my periods and no one in my team had a sanitary pad. I needed a 5 Rs coin to operate the office machine for one. Borrowed money from my team mate Ankita and ran to a few shops. They had change but not a 5 Rs coin! Fortunately, someone else from my team had that blessed coin and I sorted my mess. I was wearing a dress and had stuffed a wad of toilet paper as an emergency measure. If this had got any later, there was the risk of a trickle of blood down my legs or a bright red splotch on my dress! After the mad rush, some kind of melancholy set in. I typically don't have mood swings. But October is different.
My heart is racing. I feel a dull thud coursing through my throat. Are those the traces of the words I should have spoken. I remember a day in school I had forgotten my home work and got caned on my palm. This was when punishment wasn't illegal in school. She was the one who shed tears and when I asked her why, she just said 'Saji because you don't. I am crying for you' The only other person who did that for me was Sugi in college. It was uncanny when Sugi told me a similar reason. When I close my eyes, Pauline is laughing though. Her sweet, chirpy, bird like laugh. Pauline, I let you down. I should have been a better friend.
This song reminds me of her. The girl in the song resembles her too like an older version of her.
My heart is racing. I feel a dull thud coursing through my throat. Are those the traces of the words I should have spoken. I remember a day in school I had forgotten my home work and got caned on my palm. This was when punishment wasn't illegal in school. She was the one who shed tears and when I asked her why, she just said 'Saji because you don't. I am crying for you' The only other person who did that for me was Sugi in college. It was uncanny when Sugi told me a similar reason. When I close my eyes, Pauline is laughing though. Her sweet, chirpy, bird like laugh. Pauline, I let you down. I should have been a better friend.
This song reminds me of her. The girl in the song resembles her too like an older version of her.
Update - It's raining and I have to walk home. It's pouring. It's too cold and windy to walk. I am stuck. Today happens to be the day to have a little human experience. And, all I desire is a good cry. I can't.
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