To the operation theatre and back

There are times when we understand the gravity of a situation without letting emotions cloud our judgement. It helps maintain our objectivity to support a friend. Rarely, that someone is you and that moment makes you an observer too. This also showed me what authentic leadership is. I had a presentation to the Global CEO Ben Verwayen. My reporting manager is Vishy Poosala, the CTO of Alcatel-Lucent Messaging and Head of Bell Labs. I asked him to present and he chose to cancel it because he wanted me to take the credit for my work. 

We visited Dr. Disha Sridhar at Motherhood, Bangalore with a positive on the urine pregnancy test on 6th Oct. We made plans to manage the pregnancy. Since the ultrasound slots were full at the hospital, we got the TVS done in the nearby test centre Clumax. The ultrasound couldn’t detect the gestational sac in the uterus yet though the urine pregnancy test was positive. There was nothing to indicate a tubular pregnancy either. 

Dr. Disha reviewed the ultrasound results and asked us to check back in 10 days. I thought of getting the tests done on a Saturday (Oct 20^th). 

I woke up with a bad hunch on Oct 18^th morning and asked Sanju to book an evening appointment. I leave office only around 7.30 PM but that day he came to pick me up around 6 PM so that we could make it on time for the appointment. While taking the lift down, I started feeling nauseous. By the time I reached the car, I was in severe pain. At that point, I just wanted to go home and lie down. I thought that it was a miscarriage. 

 I realized that something was drastically wrong when I stepped out of the car. My legs felt weightless. The lady at the counter took one look at me and immediately got me attended by Dr. Ranjani. She alerted the staff that it was an emergency and stopped the other patients in the Ultrasound room. They found out that it was a tubular pregnancy. The tube had ruptured. There was severe internal bleeding. I was blacking out.

 I felt an ebb and flow and at some levels it felt liberating. Those peaks during the oscillation wouldn't hurt.  Apparently, I was going on shock. They rushed to prepare for the surgery. Dr. Disha Sridhar told me that it was a life saving surgery. We were fortunate to have reached there in the nick of time. Sanju asked them to do whatever it takes to save me. I asked Dr. Disha if it was going to be under general anaesthesia. She said yes. 'You won't feel anything'.

When I was wheeled into the surgery room, there was a moment of doubt. I prayed 'God, forgive any sins that I might have committed knowingly or unknowingly' - it was a blanket confession in my mind to face the Maker. I couldn't really remember anything wrong. I remembered the verse 'my strength is made perfect in weakness' in Tamil. (My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.) 

There was no fear. I was ready to meet my maker. I remember smiling.

 Then, I reminded myself that it was divine protection that made us plan a hospital visit and perhaps it means that I would survive. I could have mistaken the pain for a miscarriage and rested in the sick room.  Apparently, the pain only lasts for two hours and then it is fatal without a medical intervention.  My mind was on auto pilot for some time. After my best friend committed suicide, I developed a new perspective to life and death. That helped. I felt peace and then I observed the people frantically preparing me for surgery.  I started talking with the people around to lighten up the mood. Started joking around. The doctor who was preparing me for anaesthesia joked with me - we laughed that they were painting my back referring to the smear before the injection and then I felt a slight pressure. The doc said that they were going to paint my stomach too and that I would be completely unconscious in a few minutes. I remember laughing aloud. Then I got another injection and my last memory was some kind of clock ticking.

It was a dreamless sleep as if time was ripped away in parts without a trace. After the surgery, I woke up for a moment.

When I woke up again, I saw Sanju. The doctors were behind me. I didn’t know that then.

Apparently, I asked Sanju
Did I remember to thank the doctors? 

Does this hospital have wifi? I have a presentation tomorrow.
Dr. Disha would later joke about it.

Sanju then pointed that our friends Souditi and Vijayan were there.  I smiled and then slept again. Dr. Disha said that I shouldn’t worry about the presentation when I was drifting away.

My next memory is lying on a bed with IVs on both hands. I vomited when they transfused blood. The nurses cleaned me up. The next day I texted my colleagues that I had a surgery but that I would make it for the evening presentation. I blame the cocktail of drugs 🤪

When Dr. Disha visited me, I asked her if I could go back home by noon. I didn’t feel any pain at that point. I was completely drugged. She told me that I had lost 1 litre of blood and that they had to remove the tube that ruptured. It was a major operation.  They would discharge me only after 3 days. After she left, I thought of recording my presentation and sharing it. So what, I have lost one tube but I have got one left. That should do ;) I remembered that I was wearing a purple shirt and black waist coat while coming in. Well, that works.

When Sanju went out to get something, I disconnected the tube connecting the IVs , dressed up and by the time he came back, I had started recording. The batt was low and it went off in 3 minutes. Sanju called up my friend Souditi and she offered to bring a charger and also a laptop from her home. Meanwhile, my manager called me up and told me to stop worrying about  the presentation and that the important thing was my health. I felt that if my manager or the Head of the division for which I was doing the project speaks on behalf of me it would be nice too. I had already shared the slide deck. This was a follow up presentation to  Ben Verwayen. I was chosen to lead a Global project after a country level initiative I led and Vishy being the kind of leader he is let me do this without any interference.  They decided that I was working on it and so I should be the one to do the presentation and postponed that to December. And after a while it hit me.  This was happening to me and I was behaving like a person in someone else’s story.  I rested. 

They started liquid food the next day. My parents arrived the day after that. Souditi and Vijayan visited me twice everyday. They had got us fruits, biscuits and change of clothes for Sanju. Later, I would know that I would repeat the same story  at times but they would react as if they were hearing it for the first time! How kind! And, so typical of Sajithra.

Dr. Disha later told us that I was very brave. It was not really courage and I cannot take any credit. It wasn't reason or personal fortitude. There is something that I believe with my whole heart – everything happens for my good and God/ Goddess/Universe/or if Elon Musk is right, the programmer running this in simulation is in control always.  

Yesterday night while praying, I remembered the verse that we should give thanks in all circumstances and I said ‘Thank you God for the surgery. I don’t know why it happened. May be, some scars are beautiful. May be, you wanted to build some depth of character in me. May be, you were teaching me something and I might have already learned the lesson through this. I just don’t know that yet. Thanks' 

They say that the saddest phrases start with ‘If only’ - that’s true for the happiest ones as well. If we had not booked the appointment, if we had not got the evening slot, if Sanju had not come on time, if the receptionist didn’t understand the gravity of the situation, if Dr. Ranjini didn’t get me an emergency scan, if I had lost more blood, if Dr. Disha had not come on time for the surgery- I wouldn't have survived that day.

 It could be a long string of coincidences but it is beautiful when I trace a pattern and point that to God’s protection. I am grateful for the gift of faith. It makes life a beautiful story and we get to live in it.